Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize