Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Someone shit on the floor
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
