somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Pooping to opera.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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