You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
