I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
