Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
