New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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