she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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