If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
