he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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