is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
