my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
