Jerry, you need to find god
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
