He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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