Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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