I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
