New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
