my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
