No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
