So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
