i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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