Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
