you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
