my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Randomize
