it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I use my feet as sexual weapons
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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