If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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