You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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