two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
