if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
