I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Randomize
