Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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