i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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