so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
