Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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