R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
