The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
40s are totally the cure
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
