Plan B is the new Plan A
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
