I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Randomize
