look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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