every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
