just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My feet surprised me
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