My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
