my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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