I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
