Only a mothe r could love this liver
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
