I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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