Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
