Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
