And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
