my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
