I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
