I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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