he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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