I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
