I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
