i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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