If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
