We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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