I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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