I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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