His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
