why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
