Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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