oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
What a dumb baby whore.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
