This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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