my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
