y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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