mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
