I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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